Wednesday, November 15, 2006

In Case they Didn't Get the Memo

Apparently the Whitewash House staff hasn't quite figured out that the elections are over and they lost. Rightwing judicial nominees not only are not making it out of the lame-duck Judiciary Committee, they aren't making it out of the next one either.

A few Republican elected officials also don't seem to have gotten the memo that things have changed. In a spirit of public generosity the Slangwhanger- in- Chief enlightens some of the lower-wattage personalities below.

Dear Sen. Joe Lieberman—(Sen-CT)
Hurry up and switch parties. Just let us know how much they paid you.

Dear Rep. Chris Shays—(CT-08)
Hurry up and switch parties. Or start packing in 2008.

Dear Rep. Shelly Sekula-Gibbs—(TX-22)
You’re only here for ten days in session so you can be able to say, inaccurately, “Reelect Congresswoman Sekula- Gibbs,” in 2008. Not happening. Rep. Nick Lampson’s keeping that seat Democratic in 2008 and will be matched by the defeat of Republican judicial candidates in Harris County. The one-party South is over. Again. Maybe finally. Certainly for you.

Dear Rep Dave Reichert––(WA-08)
Don’t get too comfortable. Republicans who run against their own President have been eliminated in the east now (except one seat in Connecticut) and it is not going to play well in 2008 in the west either. Not only are your days numbered, it is a small figure.

Dear Karl Rove— (Slimedog)
Your mentor Lee Atwater had to die of cancer in order to repent of his career-long immoral political tactics. Do you think you can make it to repentance without the kind of serious drugs Atwater was on? Or will you skip the whole thing and go straight to hell?

Dear Dick Cheney––(Oilslick)
Best thing that could happen to you is Lieberman admits to being Republican so the Senate is 50:50 and you have to show up all the time, and speak, and be accessible, and be interviewed, in order to keep Republicanism running. The stress’ll kill you, of course, but it’ll be fun watching you try to ignore reality with that patented disdainful sneer, and more fun watching your funeral on TV. The lying quotient in the eulogies should be sufficient to shame the entire advertising industry into redoubling their ordinary commercial efforts once they have been shown the new depths to which inaccuracy can be pressed.

Dear George W. Bush––(Dopefiend)
This is delicious. You have finally hit the wall. There is no away to run to. Congress is out of your hands and that of the Mighty WurlitzerTM Republican Propaganda Machine. Poppy’s advisors can’t get you out of the war in less time than you’ve spent in it. The Supremes have already told you your wiretapping is unconstitutional and illegal. You will never be either popular or relevant again. Even before all the investigations begin, your legacy is sealed as the most ineffective, misdirected, corrupt and dim President since Warren G. Harding. Finally you can’t get your girlfriend an abortion, have your DUI record expunged, go AWOL and have the records disappear, get your friends to buy the firm for way more than it’s worth, sell the team, steal the election, or otherwise avoid the consequences of your previous actions. Many of us have prayed for this day. Since you are backed into the corner I know what you will probably do is start drinking regularly again, instead of just bingeing secretly as you have been doing. And Laura’s not going to be able to stop you any more than Lady Bird could stop LBJ. Even strong-minded Texican women are defeated by their little-boy husbands when those husbands want to conceal their wounded selves amid bluster and oblivion. Better get somebody to hide the pretzels on a daily basis. Next one might be fatal.

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