Why Li’l Kim Deserves Da Bomb

Long time ago, right as the slaughter, maiming and starvation of nearly a hundred million humans drew to a close in the Last Just War, half a million were sacrificed to the White People’s Bomb. With the counsel of fear perhaps the claim can be made for Hiroshima being strategically necessary; but no argument other than a toxic amalgam of haste, hatred and hubris defends Nagasaki days later.

After the White People’s Bomb came the Commie Bomb. Many destroyed careers, a few executions, and vast amounts of public hysteria were expended on proving the Commie Bomb could only have been derived from the White People’s Bomb by treason and espionage. However, once the political service of such mania had been accomplished -- namely the tarnishing of the names of political liberalism, the labor movement and the Democratic party, together with the exaltation of the names of political conservatism, capitalism and the Republican party -- history revealed that not only did the Commies arrive at nuclear fission independently, the Nazis almost did too.

The Brits and the Frogs were allowed to have subfranchises of the White People’s Bomb, the former because they had helped invent it, the latter because they could not be prevented. Those hideous twins, the White People’s Bomb and the Commie Bomb, brooded over Eastern Europe as the Wall went up. Meanwhile the Brit and Frog Empires, though not the American, dissolved into independent nations still tethered to colonial economies. The American genius for having an economic and cultural empire composed of allegedly independent nations began to be manifest.

Then came the Americans’ wholesale abandonment of moral leadership in the mud of Vietnam. In the guise of showing resolve, unindicted war criminal Henry Kissinger suggested dropping the White People’s Bomb on the dikes protecting Hanoi from inundation, which would at least have kept America’s record consistent in only killing slopes with it.

But soon came the end of the quarter-century monopoly of Commie and White People’s Bombs. No longer did they have joint power to destroy humanity on purpose because the Chink bomb, the Jew Bomb and the Boer Bomb had followed. Then came the Raghead Bombs -- the Hindu Bomb and the Islam Bomb.

After the Wall came down and the Commie empire temporarily fragmented, the world was confronted with the dangers of Ukes with Nukes, than whom there is hardly a more emotionally unstable people on earth. But by a judicious application of American bribery and Russian threats, most of the ex-Commie nukes and even some of the White ones were decomissioned; while the South Africans, no longer desirous of using it against their own population, voluntarily gave up theirs.

Nowadays the threat of a Second Slant Bomb is exercising the tiny minds of an impotent and crazed American administration. American financial muscle exerted on the UN has resulted in the kind of resolution it likes to enforce, unlike all the ones requiring Israeli compliance. This one calls for trying to starve some of the poorest people in the world, already little in contact with the international economy. They are to suffer for the sin of their leaders’ insistence on having the same nuclear guarantee of freedom of action that many another minor power has.

Though some want to argue that the North Koreans are too irresponsible to have the bomb, it would be difficult not to conclude that so is everybody else. The list of the reckless starts with the White People who invented it and remain the only people to have used it.

So when Li’l Kim comes along and says he deserves to have the Second Slant Bomb on the simple grounds that he can make one if he wants and that no one has the right to stop him, he is, unfortunately, correct on both counts. Any control the US or UN might have pretended to exert was long ago eroded on this and so many other issues.

And lest it be forgot, there are more slants, dinks, slopes and other Yellow Perils than there are people of any other kind of race. If you count the Commies as White People, the Whites already have two bombs, unless you count the Jews too, in which case it’s three. So the slants are really proportionally entitled to at least four bombs, and you can make a case for five.

But if the slants act like the Whites, the Chinks and Li’l Kim will prevent any third slope power from developing its own bomb for quite some time. Just like we did, while we could. Judging by history, nothing engenders a desire for nuclear nonproliferation like prior possession of the bomb.

Being entitled to the bomb on the grounds of representative population, the alleged insanity of Li’l Kim is no disqualification of his regime whatsoever. Slaughterer Joe Stalin was crazier than a bedbug in a gulag, Tricky Dick wasn’t much better, and now the untreated alcoholic, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, dyslexic, unmanaged anger president may clinically be the worst of the lot. At least his father, though uninterested, was not wholly incompetent.

Ultimately, of course, it is as Mike Nichols remarked about smuggling his film of Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 through Hollywood: “You can do anything they’re not strong enough to stop you from doing.” The recent pissing-away of US military might (by staking its Army out in the desert where its enemies can get to it on motorbikes with homemade bombs) has consequences that the Whitewash House may consider dire, but for which the rest of us may give thanks.

Pyongyang is safe. Oh, and that goes double for Tehran too. All the other possessors of bombs will not allow the US to drop the White People’s Bomb. How? Same way we stopped them from using theirs when they were tempted -- sullenness and intimidation. We'd better get used to being on the receiving end of it for a change.