Sharp Texas Scripture

Disgraced, feral ex-House Majority Leader Rep. Tom DeLay will apparently announce his resignation tomorrow, effective in May. He might not only go to jail, he was in danger of getting beat in his home 22nd District. DeLay has been indicted in Texas and almost certainly now faces federal charges as Jack Abramoff sings to prosecutors of fee- for- service Republican Congressional contributions.

Only little-known Republicans will be available to replace DeLay on the ballot. The legality of replacing a candidate who resigns for any reason other than health is in dispute, according to the Texas Election Code, but there is little doubt the Republicans will find a way to violate the law if necessary. The kicker in the deal is that former Republican Rep. Steve Stockman has entered the race as an Independent.

Stockman was a one-term Congressman, fined $40,000 for ethics violations, who supported the NRA-Timothy McVeigh wing of the Republican Party. Of Stockman it was true, as George Dangerfield remarked about Winston Churchill's WWI British Cabinet service, "Many of his colleagues thought him, at best, a necessary evil, while the rest did not find him necessary."

Democratic nominee Nick Lampson is a conservative former Congressman whose emphasis on family-budget issues is incapable of scaring the truest believer. And he used to represent 20% of the Houston suburban district's current population.

Before the withdrawal, a secret mole in a Pentagonicostal congregation on the banks of Horseshoe Lake in Sugarland reported having heard this Palm Sunday lesson read from the pulpit yesterday:

Dearly Beloved, here commenceth a Reading from the Book of Schadenfreude, Chapter 3, Verses 7-16

7 Forasmuch as the demon-spawned re-Publican De-Lay was finally caught whilst defiling the precincts of, and pouching the thank-offerings from, the Temple, to the grave detriment of the people,

8 there came amongst the flat-edged salt marsh grasses of Sugarland a sordid re-Publican Stock-Man, a man thrice before haled in front of the Judges, they thrice finding that his campaign finances stank even unto the nostrils of high Heaven and once thereupon fining him 40 thousand drachmas.

9 He was that same rabid Stock-Man whose deepest ideology tendered not the Holy Lord but instead exalted the sordid marketplace, the extreme militias, and general nutjob batshit-craziness.

10 Yet the rabid Stock-Man swore in self-righteousness and cunning that he wouldst do doughty deeds against the demon-spawned De-Lay, and in the Voter Registration Office didst lay about him manfully with a stylus, using both uppercut and downstroke, such that after due exchange of drachmas his tribe, instead of "re-Publican," became "Independent."

11 And from that day forth the people’s voter cohorts were torn asunder and splitteth mightily, re-Publican against re-Publican, fundamentalist against fundamentalist, such that even the sharpest-sighted creation scientists were not able to distinguish the mirrors of the one from the blue smoke of the other, nor couldst their definitively non-simian noses separate the stench of the one from the suppurations of the other.

12 For in their quest for loyalty, adherence, and votes the rabid Stock-man and the demon-spawned De-Lay didst set banker against investor, real estate agent against developer, minister against churchgoer, pickup truck owner against NASCAR fan, NRA fanatic against hunter, small businessman against deregulator, and didst cause many another sign of chaos in the deep.

13 And there arose an honorable Lamp-Son of the Fortress called Bend, who sitteth on the banks of the River Brazos and verily of the Creek called Oyster, playing soothing but complex melodies upon the zither and the sackbut, the krumhorn and the cymbal, the tabor and the dulcimer; such that the people were delighted therewith under the sight of the Lord, and rewarded the modest Lamp-Son in the popularity polls and upon the hustings, even though he was of the tribe of Dems but of the subtribe of the Blue Dogs.

14 Whereupon the substantial Lamp-son didst bring forth the light of rational discourse on real pocketbook issues unto the 22nd District of the province of the Tejanos, yea, even to the hidden parts of the gated communities thereof.

15 And the demon-spawned De-Lay was sore abashed thereat, and in impotent fury didst gnash his teeth and grind his molars, whilst the rabid Stock-Man wrought wild writhings in the wilderness amongst the briars, like unto the jackal of the desert, in whom there is neither cleanliness, nor virtue, nor usefulness unto man, nor woman, nor beast of the field, nor fowl of the air, nor fish of the sea,

16 save that the rabid Stock-Man maimeth, woundeth and affrighteth the demon-spawned De-Lay forevermore, and unhindereth thereby the staunch Lamp-Son, who from the season of the election henceforward shalt serve the people without stint.

Here endeth the lesson from the Book of Schadenfreude; go in peace rejoicing therein.